Napier Baptist

I'm reading Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom at the moment. Nouwen was a Catholic Priest who taught theology at many different seminaries and universities. In 1986 he left his post at Harvard University and became the pastor of L'Arche Daybreak Community, a community for people with mental and physical disabilities. This book is Nouwen's secret journal that he kept during the most difficult period of his life (December 1987 - June 1988).

"After many years of life in universities, where I never felt fully home, I had become a member of L'Arche, a community of men and women with mental disabilities. I had been recieved with open arms, given all the attention and affection I could ever hope for, and offered a safe and loving place to grow spiritually and emotionally. Everything seemed ideal. But precisely at that time I fell apart - as if I needed a safe place to hit bottom! Just when those around me were assuring me they loved me, cared for me, appreciated me, yes, even admired me, I experienced myself as a useless, unloved, and dispicable person. Just when people were putting their arms around me, I saw the endless depth of human misery and felt that there was nothing worth living for. Just when I had found a home, I felt absolutely homeless. Just when I was being praised for my spiritual insights, I felt devoid of faith. Just when people were thanking me for bringing them closer to God, I felt that God had abandoned me. It was as if the house I had finally found had no floors. The anguish completely paralyzed me. I could no longer sleep. I cried uncontrollably for hours. I could not be reached by consoling words or arguments. I no longer had any interest in other people's problems. I lost all appetite for food and could not appreciate the beauty of music, art or even nature. All had become darkness. Within me there was one long scream coming from a place I didn't know existed, a place full of demons."

For 8 years Nouwen didn't publish this journal because he thought it was too raw. But through the urging of some of his friends that these insights, born out of deep pain, could be immense help to people he decided to publish his journal. He ends his introduction with "I hope and pray I did the right thing."